(no subject)

[shadow_hive]

I'm staring at this, thinking what to say. Perhaps I shouldn't say anything.

I will anyway, despite it likely coming out as an insane... babble.

It was the chest infection that did it. Everyone thought she was gonna get better and then, all of a sudden, she'd gone. They'd tried to call, but I'd been tired and the net had fucked up, so I'd pulled the phone plug. So it ended up being my aunt coming and telling mum.

I didn't sleep. I just lay there, cuddling Danny. Or my unicorn. Or sheep. I was just... numb. I still am. I can't register it in my brain. I always figured we'd have some sort of... I dunno, warning. A clear sign that it was time. Instead it just happens in the middle of the night and she's all alone.

I take slight solace in that I saw her the day before.

She wasn't a particularly well woman though. She had advanced Alzheimer's disease. She was bedridden, she couldn't talk or even remember us. I was the last one that she really recognised, her eyes used to light up when she saw me, but that too faded. In the end she'd become a shell.

She was always the member of the family I connected with best and I knew she always loved me the most out of all the grandkids. When this happened to her I was the one of her grandkids hit hardest, yet I was also the one that kept going, kept seeing her the most.

Last year when I wasn't her for three months it hurt me not to see her. I hid it behind saying that I wanted to be back for my stuff. I dunno why.

At least she's at peace now and up with grandad.

Thank you so much for all of your kind words so far. I really appreciate it.

I dunno what else to say, so I guess I should leave it there.

Comments

[bloodyhands.livejournal.com]

Oh Stu I'm so sorry.
*hugs*

[shadow-hive.livejournal.com]

Thanks
*hugs*

[dandygrrrl.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear this *hugs*

[shadow-hive.livejournal.com]

Thanks *hugs tight*

[josiemus-prime.livejournal.com]

*hugs tightly* I'm so sorry.

[shadow-hive.livejournal.com]

*hugs*Thanks:(

[glastocharm.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
my nan was the same, I found it hard to see her suffering that we, when she passed on it wasn't such a bad thing, like you said, they're at peace now. I'm sure she'd want you to stay strong :)

[shadow-hive.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight*
So did I:( Yeah I get what you mean *hugs Yeah, thanks< 3

[shadow-hive.livejournal.com]

Yeah

*smiles*Thanks, you're right< 3

Thank you, I appreciate it. Thanks

Love

[antontobias86.livejournal.com]

*hugs lots and lots* You know how I feel about it... I'll be there as soon as I can be.

[shadow-hive.livejournal.com]

*hugs*Yeah. I hope it's soon

[revenantpunk.livejournal.com]

It's not babble, you have every right to talk about this. My gran died unexpectedly too years ago and the numbness was there like you feel. It took me a good month to stop crying, but don't hold it in. Give yourself time and spend it with your family.

I wish for the best and that you and your family will be alright. The main thing is that your nan got to see you the day before and you had time with her. Another thing that I found comforting when my gran passed was that she wasn't in pain anymore, so think about that too.

I'm sorry x

[shadow-hive.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry *hugs*That's exactly how I feel. I'll just spend it with mum, I feel this'll be the last time I'll see the other half of my family

Thanks. Yeah, that's true. yeah, I think that too

*hugs*Thanks

[luzestrellera.livejournal.com]

*HUGS* once more
and don't mind the babbling, let it all out, that's what lj is for after all
my grandma is in home since 4 years or so, she is 90 and doesn't have excatly Alzheimer but a kind of that so sometimes she knows who we are and sometimes she doesn't
we had to put her there when she become to not be aware of the time or where she was and since she was a risk for us and for her cause she did some crazy things she needed a person 24/7 taking care of her... and unfortunately we all had works at day and needed to sleep at night
so yes...it was hard and she completely healthy apart form the circulatory brain problem, but she is old and we know that something can happen suddenly and her body is not young or strong to fight anymore
some infections that in a young person can be nothing for them are lethal
and yes... i see her from time to time and same as you, my cousins barely go there... some of them never apperared once in all those years
my mum is the one that goes all weeks
i didn't had a great relationship with her when i was a kid and then i lived like 20 years with her but she wasn't the most easy person to live with...anyway, i know i'd miss her and it'd be hard (mostly for my mum)
but we did all we can and i think that applies to you too, you were there all you could, and maybe she had said all her goodbyes even if you weren't aware
my other grandma waited for me to return from vacations to die.... i've heard other cases like that too, persons who had the need to say a last goodbye and wait, so if she didn't wait, i think she had it all done
and as you said, she is at peace now
my thoughts are with you and your family *hugs more*

[shadow-hive.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight*
Yeah
My nan's been in almost as long. *nods* Yeah I get what you mean
*nods*
Yeah
*hugs*That half of the family has visited her in all the time she's been in the same amount we do in a month. And they have neevr understood.

*hugs*thanks< 3 Maybe she did

Yeah, I've heard that too:(
Yeah *hugs*

[mikeyface.livejournal.com]

:( *keeps hugging tight* <333333

[shadow-hive.livejournal.com]

*huggles*:(< 3

[pulled-triggers.livejournal.com]

i've never known anything or anyone that has died well enough, so sorry that i can't offer much empathy :/ i'm sorry to hear this. *hugs*

[shadow-hive.livejournal.com]

That's ok *hugs*Thanks< 3

[madelinesimone.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry *hugs*

[shadow-hive.livejournal.com]

*hugs*Thanks

[aerogroupie.livejournal.com]

Oh my poor baby *hugs tightly* I am so sorry sweetheart, oh my god. I wish I could fly right across the ocean and cuddle you. ;-; You being sad is not something the world should ever see. I normally don't say "I understand," because I know with something like that you just can't, but as of right now my grandmother's been in the hospital for about 2 weeks. We thought a care home would be better for her, but obviously not seeing as that's how she ended up in the hospital in the first place. She's got pneumonia on top of her alzheimer's, and it is just so bad. I love her so much, and I can hardly stand the fact that I know I'm going to lose her. *clings tightly and kisses* I can't imagine already having to have gone through it, though. I'm so sorry, baby <333333

[shadow-hive.livejournal.com]

*hugs tight*Thanks:( *hugs* I've been trying to just... distract myself cause can't believe it. Aww no, that's horrible *hugs*I'm sorry. I feel exactly the same as you do. *hugs tight*< 333

[mildly-neurotic.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry about your Gran hun :( *hug*

[shadow-hive.livejournal.com]

*hugs*Thanks< 3